HOME THEATRE GIFT IDEAS
The Watcher column for Canberra Times 12 December 2006


You may be contemplating new electronic gear for watching the Boxing Day Test, or planning an assault on the post-Christmas sales. Herewith then, the astoundingly useful Watcher Big-Ticket-Bits-of-Home-Theatre Christmas Gift Guide. And remember the rules: keep the receipt, get a big fat warranty, and don't leave the branded packaging out the front for robbers to admire.

UNIVERSAL REMOTES
If your family has a coffee table strewn with remotes, Santa can deliver one universal remote replacement that will run everything - TV, cable, DVD and CD players. Start sucking up to an electronics engineer or a teenager who can help you program it, and lay in about 4784784874 batteries for the winter. Expect to pay from $40, up to $1500 for a touch-screen and don't go the high end if you have lots of boisterous kids (they're fragile). You may think you are simplifying an elderly person's life with such a prezzie, but they may find it confronting and hard to learn the new way. Be patient and write down step-by-step instructions with a drawing of the device and lots of helpful arrows. If you give an electronic present to somebody in the generation above yours, you're also automatically signing up for tech support duties.

COMPUTERS WITH DVDS
Be aware that most computers give you only five "goes" and then lock in a DVD region, meaning you'll only be able to watch DVDs configured to play for one region. You'll be able to view discs you buy locally, or from Europe or from the US.

DVD AND DISC PLAYERS
There are ads everywhere for new generation technology blu-ray or HD-DVD (high definition) disc players. They're competing formats, in the exasperating tradition of Beta and VHS videos (that was an eventual triumph for VHS, while Beta became a byword for obsolescence). HD-DVD discs will not work on a blu-ray player, and vice versa. HD-DVD players need a flash hd television or a very expensive LCD (liquid crystal display) TV. Nobody knows whether blu-ray or HD-DVD will win, so stick with your old DVD player until the dust settles, or one "technology platform" buys out the other and starts making combined HD-DVD/blu-ray players.

STUPIDLY SMALL SCREEN
Some spanky telephonic devices have a small screen for watching movies and video snippets. Why anybody would want to pay hundreds of dollars for a screen the size of a postage stamp, which can convey all the raw emotion of a manila folder, and all the cinematic sweep of a full stop, is beyond me.

PREPOSTEROUSLY LARGE SCREENS & HOME THEATRE SET-UPS
If you're going to be spending up big on a ginormous flattie plasma or liquid crystal (LCD) screen, go for one of the big mainstream brands and get a long warranty. Some of the giant LCD tellies are just glorified computer monitor screens. Tell-tale signs include black shades that aren't very black; difficulty with shades of grey and other dark colours (look carefully and you may see a strange pattern emerge), and most tellingly of all, a noticeable blur as the computer monitor screen technology tries in vain to keep up with fast motion.

If you're as bamboozled as I am on this subject (and let's face it, who isn't? We're asked to spend thousands of dollars on devices that as far as we know, are operated by tiny, industrious pixies in a box) there's some help at hand aside from baby salesfolk who talk earnestly of stuff they pretend not to be bamboozled about. A bloke called Steve in a Sydney shop at eastwoodhifi.com.au seems to be dispensing candid advice on and reviews of screens, disc players, speakers and brands, and warnings about the nonsense (and prices) salesfolk can invent when talking of cables.

(To be fair, I called Steve and he reckons he really is biased, because he hates all the electronics companies equally. He also said about 20 per cent of his business comes from Canberra, so he thinks there aren't any shops here. There are sections on his site for Audiophiles, Technophiles, Normal People, All Other People, and Shop Gossip (actually brilliant info about how not to get ripped off and other amusing retail tales). Don't blow all your money on a screen and then realise you still need good speakers and other accoutrements. It gives Steve the irrits.

HAT STAND
A hat stand would be a boon for the woman in your life who flops on the couch to watch TV, then realises she doesn't have to impress anybody, and she's had an underwire bra on all day. As is her wont, she can unhook the bra at the back, pull the shoulder strap down and over one hand, then pull the bra out from the other sleeve in one smooth motion, without the need to remove her blouse. She can then hurl the bra at the hat stand, thus improving her aim, if not her slatternly habits.

NB: This column's archive is at www.kazcooke.com