Try the quiz at the start of your pregnancy and then again at the end, and see how far you’ve come.

1    Colostrum is:
a)   a very attractive ruin in Rome
b)   stuff that comes out of your bosoms before you breastfeed
c)   that strange blue goo that newborn babies are covered in
d)   a thrash-trance band from near Dubbo

2    Can you retain fluid and be dehydrated at the same time?
a)   don’t be ridiculous
b)   oh, lordy, yes
c)   it depends on what star sign you are

3    Should you try to get time off before the baby arrives, rather than work until the due date?
a)   yes
b)   uh-huh
c)   ooh, yeah
d)   damn straight

4    Which is the most relaxing birth support team:
a)   a midwife, an obstetrician and your partner, sister or friend
b)   a film crew, and everybody on Facebook
c)   nobody at all

5    Inducement is:
a)   a very large diamond ring and a holiday in the Bahamas
b)   an artificial medical process to stimulate labour
c)   holding a Tim Tam at the end of the vagina to coax the baby out
d)   a technical term for the placement of the placenta

6    Braxton Hicks is:
a)   that lantern-jawed bloke who slept with his aunty on The Bold and the Beautiful
b)   a term coined by NASA     astronauts for a false alarm, named after an over-excited engineer on the Apollo 12 mission
c)   practice labour contractions
d)   a combination of the two most popular baby names in Kentucky in 1897

7    Palpation is:
a)   what happens to your cervix when you have an orgasm
b)   a pretentious word for ‘having a feel’
c)   the medical term for the faster heart rate you attain towards the end of a pregnancy
d)   the opposite of temptation or craving: something that makes you nauseated

8    Placenta is:
a)   the most popular girl’s name after Sarah, Rebecca and Madison
b)   the geographical location where you have your baby
c)   a big gloopy item that looks like a liver and keeps the baby alive with nutrients and oxygen
d)   a terrific marketing opportunity if you put it through a blender, whack it in a moisturiser and give it a French name

9    The easiest way of giving birth is by:
a)   taking all the drugs you can get your hands on and shouting a lot at random
b)   imagining you’re in a perfectly charming wheat field having sex with Brad Pitt
c)   having a general anaesthetic and paying someone to look after the baby for the first ten years
d)   whatever means are necessary at the time
e)   just like they do it in the movies

10  Women who say childbirth doesn’t really hurt are:
a)   lucky
b)   deluded
c)   insane
d)   men

11  A primigravida is:
a)   one of those ballerinas who doesn’t eat enough
b)   a woman giving birth for the first time
c)   the first time you feel the baby move inside you

12  Living with a newborn baby is:
a)   just like a lovely holiday
b)   exhausting
c)   what was the question again?

13  If you don’t have a husband, you can:
a)   get help from relatives and friends
b)   just go straight to hell, you flaunty Miss Jezebel person
c)   claim benefits and be involved in special re-employment and study programs provided by the federal government

14  Post-partum means after the birth. Antenatal means:
a)   prenatal, or before the birth
b)   you’re against the whole idea of pregnancy, or being in any way slightly natal
c)   another word for childbirth

15  Sex is:
a)   really a tremendously heightened sensual experience all through pregnancy
b)   just asking for trouble
c)   apparently something that single, childless people do in their spare time.

Answers. DO YOU THINK I HAVE ANY ANSWERS, I am EXHAUSTED and wearing an ill-fitting onesie. Sorry, I mean: all the answers are in the book!

There's lots more fun and practical, up-to-date advice backed by experts in the latest edition of Up the Duff. You can see more in the book, available at your local book shop or online.

Copyright Kaz Cooke, from Up The Duff.

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