1 Your baby won’t stop crying. The first thing to try is:
a) post it back to the hospital for a refund
b) offer it a Kit Kat
c) look for hairline cracks on the donk and check the electricals
d) wear one of those deerhuntin’ hats with furry flaps you can tie over your ears.
2 A dressing-gown is:
a) only to be worn over pyjamas
b) attractive all-day before-five wear
c) too much trouble if you have to do up the cord.
3 Sleep deprivation can lead to you losing your:
c) short-term . . . thingie
4 You’ll only have time to wear one article of clothing a day. To make it count as a whole outfit, you choose:
a) a queen-sized doona cover
b) a little black dress
c) a little black sock.
5 Your beauty regime now consists of:
a) cleanse, exfoliate, moisturise, pluck, wax, joosh, phoof, style, curl, apply lipstick, mascara, blusher, eyeshadow blends, contouring cream and nail polish
b) quickly brushing all the hairs on your body in the same direction
c) checking whether face washer has baby poo on it. If not, wave near face and fall unconscious on bathroom floor.
6 (Men may skip this one.) A week after giving birth, your breasts leak visibly at the supermarket and milk drips onto the counter. You look at the horrified till-operator and say:
a) ‘Care for a squirt?’
b) ‘That reminds me, do you sell guinea-pig food?’
c) ‘Excuse me while I put some false moustaches on those.’
d) ‘Don’t be frightened, young man. You should see my perineum.’
7 Tinkerbell is:
a) a terrific name for a child’s private parts, right up until they leave home
b) sailor slang for semaphore messages
c) a bit of a nancyboy and that’s the way we like ’em
d) an 8-year-old rapper from Launceston.
8 The Parenting Anthem is:
a) ‘I Will Survive’ by Gloria Gaynor
b) ‘Feelin’ Kinda Sporty’ by Dave Graney and the Coral Snakes
c) that lullabies compilation in the glove box with peanut butter on the underside
d) ‘I Mashed the Pumpkin, But I Did Not Fool the Fussy One’ sung to the tune of ‘I Shot the Sheriff, But I Did Not Shoot the Deputy’ by Mr Bob Marley.
9 When a child weighs approximately 20 kilos, a safe car restraint should:
a) be buckled up by someone in a less cranky mood than me
b) come in a recent-model Mercedes provided by the government
c) be constructed entirely from plastic dinosaurs that go ‘Raaarghhh’
d) be slightly less expensive than an aircraft carrier.
b) should be consistent, persistent and performed by trained robots
c) shut up
d) should never be humiliating or confusing for the parent.
11 What’s the worst thing to say when you’re dropping your child off at creche?
a) ‘We think of lice as our special little friends.’
b) ‘Christ on a STICK, get me a vodka.’
c) ‘Is this the child-care centre?’
d) ‘If I’m not back by 7 or so, sweetie, make your own way home.’
12 Reassuring phrases for your child can include:
a) ‘Don’t worry, personality isn’t genetic.’
b) ‘Don’t worry, this wardrobe is monster-free.’
c) ‘It’s true, the Prime Minister does look like a boiled turnip.’
d) ‘When you’re 18 you can leave.’
13 The dog and the kid have both thrown up in the car at the same time. You:
a) pull over safely to the kerb and scream into a pillow
b) pull over safely to the kerb and hose down the inside of the vehicle
c) thank your lucky stars you don’t own the car
d) pull over safely to the kerb, calmly exit the vehicle, go to the airport and fly to Antigua.
14 ‘Controlled crying’ is:
a) when you can sob without getting snot on your face
b) a method whereby parents can cry for 5 minutes at a time, for efficiency reasons
c) when you cry and you look like the guy in that Scream painting, but no tears come out
d) usually recommended by people who are not in your house at 8.20 p.m.
15 Sex is:
a) something done by people whose photos are in Hello! magazine
b) ‘Huh? Wha . . . er . . . the . . . (snonk) zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.’
16 The most important thing is:
b) lying through your teeth on social media to make everything seem perfect
c) thinking of your child as your friend
d) not starting to order the vodka by the keg.
17 Children’s clothes should always be:
a) designed to make kids look like demented Italian supermodels in their thirties
b) made of plastic wipe-down materials
c) able to withstand being machine washed with knives and tumble dried in temperatures exceeding 32 000 degrees Celsius
d) partly removed from under the bed before being placed on child.
18 You think fathers who look after their own children are:
b) marvellous, really quite marvellous
c) married to vicious, godless, feminist, selfish, hairy harridans
Answers: Oh, who the hell knows? We’re all trying to make this up as we go along.
There's lots more fun and practical, up-to-date advice backed by experts in the latest edition of Babies & Toddlers. You can see more in the book, available at your local book shop or online.
Copyright Kaz Cooke, from Babies & Toddlers.